I AM EATING CLAMS WITH MY LORDRENZO!
ahahahaahhahaha!
I went clam digging and we GOT A BUUUUUNCH and now we eat them! XD happiest moment in my life! He had no idea what he was doing and made something weeeird but it is delicious!
I took him out to see a movie and we've started building up our DVD collection recently! We finally bought a reusable bag for our groceries! XD
We're going to have crecent rolls and noodles! Ahhhh! I'm so happy! Every day is happy day!
:) Our anniversary will be in a couple days! I must do something extra special for him!
I wish I had more time to find all the silent hill games for him.... but I can do that any time!
Classes will be starting soon and Target is opening a new store! XD My LOD said I am a good candidate for helping out with the opening and I sent in my request to be tranferred. Unfortunately it made all of the TL's and LOD's sad and they said they had half a mind to just hide it and keep me there. XD I told them I didn't mind because I just love working at target and just love all the experience.
It's like playing a video game working here. We do quests and mini games and win prizes! XD I love it so much! Although some people just make me want to slap them. Like the guy who keeps calling to put Target's address on his GPS because he's too lazy to drive.
ARGH LOREN is reading my blooooooog! Evil man! XD
Monday, July 27, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Lauryn Hill
Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us
Although them again we will never, never, never trust
Dem noh know weh dem do, dig out yuh yei while dem sticking like glue,
Fling, skin, grin while dem plotting fah you,
True, Ah Who???
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Beware the false motives of others
Be careful of those who pretend to be brothers
And you never suppose it's those who are closest to you, to you
They say all the right things to gain their position
Then use your kindness as their ammunition
To shoot you down in the name of ambition, they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Why every Indian wanna be the chief?
Feed a man 'til he's full and he still want beef
Give me grief, try to tief off my piece
Why for you to increase, I must decrease?
If I treat you kindly does it mean that I'm weak?
You hear me speak and think I won't take it to the streets
I know enough cats that don't turn the other cheek
But I try to keep it civilized like Menelik
And other African czars observing stars with war scars
Get yours in this capitalistic system
So many caught or got bought you can't list them
How you gonna idolize the missing?
To survive is to stay alive in the face of opposition
Even when they comin' gunnin'
I stand position
L's known the mission since conception
Let's free the people from deception
If you looking for the answers
Then you gotta ask the questions
And when I let go, my voice echoes through the ghetto
Sick of men trying to pull strings like Geppetto
Why black people always be the ones to settle
March through these streets like Soweto
Like Cain and Abel, Caesar and Brutus, Jesus and Judas,
Backstabbers do this
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
It took me a little while to discover
Wolves in sheep coats who pretend to be lovers
Men who lack conscience will even lie to themselves, to themselves
A friend once said, and I found to be true
That everyday people, they lie to God too
So what makes you think, that they won't lie to you
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them, forgive them
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them, forgive them
Gwan like dem love while dem rip yuh to shreds,
Trample pon yuh heart and lef yuh fi dead,
Dem a yuh fren who yuh depen pon from way back when,
But if yuh gi dem yuh back den yuh mus meet yuh end,
Dem noh know wey dem do,
Dem no know, dem no know, dem no know,
Dem no know, dem no know wey dem do
Although them again we will never, never, never trust
Dem noh know weh dem do, dig out yuh yei while dem sticking like glue,
Fling, skin, grin while dem plotting fah you,
True, Ah Who???
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Beware the false motives of others
Be careful of those who pretend to be brothers
And you never suppose it's those who are closest to you, to you
They say all the right things to gain their position
Then use your kindness as their ammunition
To shoot you down in the name of ambition, they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Why every Indian wanna be the chief?
Feed a man 'til he's full and he still want beef
Give me grief, try to tief off my piece
Why for you to increase, I must decrease?
If I treat you kindly does it mean that I'm weak?
You hear me speak and think I won't take it to the streets
I know enough cats that don't turn the other cheek
But I try to keep it civilized like Menelik
And other African czars observing stars with war scars
Get yours in this capitalistic system
So many caught or got bought you can't list them
How you gonna idolize the missing?
To survive is to stay alive in the face of opposition
Even when they comin' gunnin'
I stand position
L's known the mission since conception
Let's free the people from deception
If you looking for the answers
Then you gotta ask the questions
And when I let go, my voice echoes through the ghetto
Sick of men trying to pull strings like Geppetto
Why black people always be the ones to settle
March through these streets like Soweto
Like Cain and Abel, Caesar and Brutus, Jesus and Judas,
Backstabbers do this
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
It took me a little while to discover
Wolves in sheep coats who pretend to be lovers
Men who lack conscience will even lie to themselves, to themselves
A friend once said, and I found to be true
That everyday people, they lie to God too
So what makes you think, that they won't lie to you
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them, forgive them
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them, forgive them
Gwan like dem love while dem rip yuh to shreds,
Trample pon yuh heart and lef yuh fi dead,
Dem a yuh fren who yuh depen pon from way back when,
But if yuh gi dem yuh back den yuh mus meet yuh end,
Dem noh know wey dem do,
Dem no know, dem no know, dem no know,
Dem no know, dem no know wey dem do
Monday, December 15, 2008
Reading waaay too much of The Prophet
...Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.
And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
...is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say,"Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you are your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced...
so yeah... :3
I feel really good now. XD Now that he's not around to push me into things and make me feel insufficient in everything I do, I can really burst out! He doesn't exist anymore. It FEELS SO GREAT!
been blogging on tanichan.deviantart.com :3 my heart is stuck over there. :P
Been chatting with all my old guy friends! XD It's so great to get back in touch with them!
<_<>: *hug* She'll be moving and I can't do anything. I only really got to know her for a day... she's pretty amazing, handling her boyfriend's death so well... I really admire her. Seeing him like that.. it was hard.. I mean I just saw him last month. All I can do is comfort her and let her know she's not alone.
I keep writing blogs like everywhere... because I have a lot on my mind... and if I write them all on just one site people's heads would explode from the repetiveness and me going in circles and retracting what I say and my random change in opinions. T-T Although.. my friends and professors told me that's what makes me so endearing and my papers and art so facinating.
Well... I'm going back to sending my transcript requests! My application is being processed and I've still got a bit more to go!
And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
...is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say,"Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you are your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced...
so yeah... :3
I feel really good now. XD Now that he's not around to push me into things and make me feel insufficient in everything I do, I can really burst out! He doesn't exist anymore. It FEELS SO GREAT!
been blogging on tanichan.deviantart.com :3 my heart is stuck over there. :P
Been chatting with all my old guy friends! XD It's so great to get back in touch with them!
<_<>: *hug* She'll be moving and I can't do anything. I only really got to know her for a day... she's pretty amazing, handling her boyfriend's death so well... I really admire her. Seeing him like that.. it was hard.. I mean I just saw him last month. All I can do is comfort her and let her know she's not alone.
I keep writing blogs like everywhere... because I have a lot on my mind... and if I write them all on just one site people's heads would explode from the repetiveness and me going in circles and retracting what I say and my random change in opinions. T-T Although.. my friends and professors told me that's what makes me so endearing and my papers and art so facinating.
Well... I'm going back to sending my transcript requests! My application is being processed and I've still got a bit more to go!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Welcome to Tanyaland -RANT-
Wooooow! Such immaturity... after a Three year relationship I get dumped on msn and when I ask just to be seen face to face I have to fucking beg to get it. Let me take ALL THE FUCKING BLAME? You know, it takes TWO people to fuck things up. If you remember, I told you from the beginning of our relationship, "Do want you want. If you want something, you do it." You FUCKER. I never held you back. I never held a gun to your head, I never tied you down, I didn't force you to do anything. If you were bothered by something you should have gotten ANGRY like a NORMAL person. You should have know that I love you enough that anything you wanted to do, whether I disapproved or not, I would have forgiven you. I got upset, Yes, because when I made some plans with you, sometimes you'd FORGET and go with someone else.
Don't give me Shit about me hitting you, Not when you were the first to hit me. I knew it would crush you to know you ever hurt me that way. When you would hold me down and FORCE me to talk to you. HOW THE FUCK CAN I FIGHT YOU? You are stronger than me. You have left bruises on me from your desperate need for me to be happy all the time.
You KNEW I felt like SHIT for hitting you. I didn't eat for a week. I felt so sick to my stomach because I knew it hurt you and I KNEW I WAS FUCKING WRONG. That's why I apologized, got on my KNEES and begged you, I embarrassed myself, and lost all dignity.
I agree that after the conversation on msn I went off the wall... but after THREE FUCKING YEARS you should have had the decency to talk to my face. My pride as a woman is lost. I lost my baby and instead of being my FRIEND and comforting me, you pushed me aside and let me bleed for the past TWO WEEKS.
I acted out in a manner that was not right, but I don't deserve to feel like SHIT. I already was disgusted with myself for acting out like that and you let me sit there and get worse and worse until I fucking lost it.
I have always been better looking than you, I manage my stress better than you, I am smarter than you, I have a better personality than you, and I'm FUCKING BETTER THAN YOU.
I'm SO~RRY that you think I act like my mom. You know, I fucking don't. You want to know what she did to me? SHE AND DAD USED TO BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF ME. When I lost my baby I told her, she turned away from me and said it was nothing. She wouldn't hold me, wouldn't talk to me, she slapped my face, she LAUGHED at me. YOUR mom didn't believe me either, so don't go thinking your family is all that fucking perfect.
Neither one of us is right or wrong about any of this... but when you told me "That was a fight about nothing." You FUCKER. I. was. pregnant. When I told you about it, it wasn't like I was trying to get you back, I needed comfort from my friend. I thought you would be man enough to tell me my baby's death wasn't my fault. Instead, you let me sit there and bleed. I know, I shouldn't have come there, but you drove me too far, to the point where I went there without even WANTING to.
I now see I am too good for you. People have been asking to go out with me left and right. I even have a stalker! I'm going to change from the person you turned me into. You coddled me and gave me all I want, but that isn't what I, or you, needed. I told you that over and over. I love you still, but take a step back and look at YOUR actions too. I was wrong, but you were my first real relationship, my first real friend, you were more than a brother to me, more than any of my sisters, I love you more than anything, but that doesn't mean I don't have the right to get pissed.
I kept my language clean all these years because I live with two people who REALLY DO FIGHT ABOUT NOTHING. Two people who I have had to physically get in between and fight with them to pull them apart. You think I stay here because it's easy? I stay because it is hard. I love my fucking art more than anything in the world, and if in order to be able to do it I have to suffer emotionally, I am willing to put up with that. You were God's gift to me and I know that you think I treated you like crap, but if you opened your eyes a little you'll see I was trying to do all I could to return all the good things you did for me in any way I could.
I was against drinking because I have seen what it does. I have seen someone in a drunken rage before, have you? Have you ever had to watch your own dad pull your artwork down and smash your television? Come at you to hit you for smiling? Call you a "Fucking Bitch" to your face? no. I didn't think so.
I was against drugs because of I have seen what it does. My aunt used to be a wonderful person... Now she hears voices and tries to light our hair on fire. She calls me the devil and tries to slip me her medication.
You want to know why I cut my hair? I needed a change. I am amazed that you didn't see that when you saw me. I am changed but not changed. I am Tanya and people love me. You hurt me in the worst way you knew possible and I forgive you for that. I am sorry you feel hurt. I am very sorry, but you need to grow up. You think I live in a little dream world where I don't see reality past the end of my nose. I live don't I? I'm sorry that art isn't as "real" as computers but it is my world. I will suffer for my art and for my education.
Don't blame me for you failing your classes. Don't blame me for being late to work. Don't blame me for you not hanging out with friends more or "doing what you want" because you KNEW I already felt HORRIBLE about it for 2 years! You didn't have to always spend every moment with me. You could have let me trust you, instead you fueled my desires and tended to my every need. Love love love, you feel like you put in more love than I did, but if that's the way you feel then you are wrong.
Didn't I hold you when you were crying? I gave you and your family their space when your mom got cancer and supported you and was there for you. You wouldn't let me come over to see your mom who I also loved and wanted to support. I rubbed your back when it was sore, I talked to you when you needed me to and told you I love you when you asked me to. I think you probably understand now why it's so hard for me to tell people I love them when I'm angry. It's not that I ever stop loving you or that I'm ever angry AT you. I am furious with myself for being angry.
I know when I told you I hated you it hurt you so many times, but if you had noticed I stopped saying it. I said it ONCE recently as a joke to you, if you remember and we both laughed about it. In my household the word was thrown around like candy though. To tell someone I hate them is the same as you saying "piss". I was never taught that it was a bad word. I was more punished for telling people I loved them. I remember being really small and trying to take my Dad's hand and telling him "I love you Daddy," he shook me away and just grunted. I tell my mom all the time, "I love you Mommy," and she slaps me for kissing her. I go to my sisters for comfort and love and the both of them left. I stay for my younger brother and for my art. I thought about moving out but I will not abandon him. I know more pain from love than you could ever imagine and you were my shining star.
I know how to put on the mask of innocence, the mask of stress free life, the mask of perfectness, of stupidity. You asked me to pull off the mask and let me be me around you. I asked you to be you around me too. I will accept everything about you.
Now you've left me naked and dry. I was a bitch you found on the street who you fed and pampered. I tried to give you comfort and do what you wanted of me, but you threw me out for pissing on the carpet. We gave each other so much... I was finding my friends and my life again.
Unlike you, I will stay me. I will do what I want. Hell, I get free things because I'm so freaking awesome. Free haircut, free piercing, free drinks, free art supplies, free clothes. People tell me they love being around me, it makes them happy. I treat them the same way I treat you, so what's your problem? No one else is afraid to be themselves around me, even though I tell them my opinion and tell them what I like and don't like. Why were you so afraid to be yourself around me? Did you think I would leave you, meaning that you doubted that I truly love you? Did you think I would hate you? Were you so comfortable with everything that you didn't want things to change?
I know you are going through a lot of shit right now. Your mom, your family's businesses, your job, your school, your house, your bills, your roommates, you're young, you want to live, you want to experience life, but everyone goes through shit. I am not trying to make your problems smaller than what they are or make mine seem bigger, but I DO things. I have bills to pay too, I have to oversee 40 acres of property, I have to care for my older brother and handle ALL ACCOUNTS AND DEBTS if my parents die, I am struggling with my career in art, I want to have fun too but have to do homework and study instead, I want to wear the clothes I want but have to spend the money on living expenses and art supplies. You don't think I wouldn't love to just go out to a rave and party? You don't think I wouldn't love to go out and buy games to play? Every time I put my pencil to paper, brush to canvas, I'm working, studying, and practicing. I have to forfeit fun to concentrate on my dream.
eehhhh I feel better now. Whoo~ I don't expect him to read this. I just needed to rant. Being pissed off feels -A LOT- better than being mopey.
Don't give me Shit about me hitting you, Not when you were the first to hit me. I knew it would crush you to know you ever hurt me that way. When you would hold me down and FORCE me to talk to you. HOW THE FUCK CAN I FIGHT YOU? You are stronger than me. You have left bruises on me from your desperate need for me to be happy all the time.
You KNEW I felt like SHIT for hitting you. I didn't eat for a week. I felt so sick to my stomach because I knew it hurt you and I KNEW I WAS FUCKING WRONG. That's why I apologized, got on my KNEES and begged you, I embarrassed myself, and lost all dignity.
I agree that after the conversation on msn I went off the wall... but after THREE FUCKING YEARS you should have had the decency to talk to my face. My pride as a woman is lost. I lost my baby and instead of being my FRIEND and comforting me, you pushed me aside and let me bleed for the past TWO WEEKS.
I acted out in a manner that was not right, but I don't deserve to feel like SHIT. I already was disgusted with myself for acting out like that and you let me sit there and get worse and worse until I fucking lost it.
I have always been better looking than you, I manage my stress better than you, I am smarter than you, I have a better personality than you, and I'm FUCKING BETTER THAN YOU.
I'm SO~RRY that you think I act like my mom. You know, I fucking don't. You want to know what she did to me? SHE AND DAD USED TO BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF ME. When I lost my baby I told her, she turned away from me and said it was nothing. She wouldn't hold me, wouldn't talk to me, she slapped my face, she LAUGHED at me. YOUR mom didn't believe me either, so don't go thinking your family is all that fucking perfect.
Neither one of us is right or wrong about any of this... but when you told me "That was a fight about nothing." You FUCKER. I. was. pregnant. When I told you about it, it wasn't like I was trying to get you back, I needed comfort from my friend. I thought you would be man enough to tell me my baby's death wasn't my fault. Instead, you let me sit there and bleed. I know, I shouldn't have come there, but you drove me too far, to the point where I went there without even WANTING to.
I now see I am too good for you. People have been asking to go out with me left and right. I even have a stalker! I'm going to change from the person you turned me into. You coddled me and gave me all I want, but that isn't what I, or you, needed. I told you that over and over. I love you still, but take a step back and look at YOUR actions too. I was wrong, but you were my first real relationship, my first real friend, you were more than a brother to me, more than any of my sisters, I love you more than anything, but that doesn't mean I don't have the right to get pissed.
I kept my language clean all these years because I live with two people who REALLY DO FIGHT ABOUT NOTHING. Two people who I have had to physically get in between and fight with them to pull them apart. You think I stay here because it's easy? I stay because it is hard. I love my fucking art more than anything in the world, and if in order to be able to do it I have to suffer emotionally, I am willing to put up with that. You were God's gift to me and I know that you think I treated you like crap, but if you opened your eyes a little you'll see I was trying to do all I could to return all the good things you did for me in any way I could.
I was against drinking because I have seen what it does. I have seen someone in a drunken rage before, have you? Have you ever had to watch your own dad pull your artwork down and smash your television? Come at you to hit you for smiling? Call you a "Fucking Bitch" to your face? no. I didn't think so.
I was against drugs because of I have seen what it does. My aunt used to be a wonderful person... Now she hears voices and tries to light our hair on fire. She calls me the devil and tries to slip me her medication.
You want to know why I cut my hair? I needed a change. I am amazed that you didn't see that when you saw me. I am changed but not changed. I am Tanya and people love me. You hurt me in the worst way you knew possible and I forgive you for that. I am sorry you feel hurt. I am very sorry, but you need to grow up. You think I live in a little dream world where I don't see reality past the end of my nose. I live don't I? I'm sorry that art isn't as "real" as computers but it is my world. I will suffer for my art and for my education.
Don't blame me for you failing your classes. Don't blame me for being late to work. Don't blame me for you not hanging out with friends more or "doing what you want" because you KNEW I already felt HORRIBLE about it for 2 years! You didn't have to always spend every moment with me. You could have let me trust you, instead you fueled my desires and tended to my every need. Love love love, you feel like you put in more love than I did, but if that's the way you feel then you are wrong.
Didn't I hold you when you were crying? I gave you and your family their space when your mom got cancer and supported you and was there for you. You wouldn't let me come over to see your mom who I also loved and wanted to support. I rubbed your back when it was sore, I talked to you when you needed me to and told you I love you when you asked me to. I think you probably understand now why it's so hard for me to tell people I love them when I'm angry. It's not that I ever stop loving you or that I'm ever angry AT you. I am furious with myself for being angry.
I know when I told you I hated you it hurt you so many times, but if you had noticed I stopped saying it. I said it ONCE recently as a joke to you, if you remember and we both laughed about it. In my household the word was thrown around like candy though. To tell someone I hate them is the same as you saying "piss". I was never taught that it was a bad word. I was more punished for telling people I loved them. I remember being really small and trying to take my Dad's hand and telling him "I love you Daddy," he shook me away and just grunted. I tell my mom all the time, "I love you Mommy," and she slaps me for kissing her. I go to my sisters for comfort and love and the both of them left. I stay for my younger brother and for my art. I thought about moving out but I will not abandon him. I know more pain from love than you could ever imagine and you were my shining star.
I know how to put on the mask of innocence, the mask of stress free life, the mask of perfectness, of stupidity. You asked me to pull off the mask and let me be me around you. I asked you to be you around me too. I will accept everything about you.
Now you've left me naked and dry. I was a bitch you found on the street who you fed and pampered. I tried to give you comfort and do what you wanted of me, but you threw me out for pissing on the carpet. We gave each other so much... I was finding my friends and my life again.
Unlike you, I will stay me. I will do what I want. Hell, I get free things because I'm so freaking awesome. Free haircut, free piercing, free drinks, free art supplies, free clothes. People tell me they love being around me, it makes them happy. I treat them the same way I treat you, so what's your problem? No one else is afraid to be themselves around me, even though I tell them my opinion and tell them what I like and don't like. Why were you so afraid to be yourself around me? Did you think I would leave you, meaning that you doubted that I truly love you? Did you think I would hate you? Were you so comfortable with everything that you didn't want things to change?
I know you are going through a lot of shit right now. Your mom, your family's businesses, your job, your school, your house, your bills, your roommates, you're young, you want to live, you want to experience life, but everyone goes through shit. I am not trying to make your problems smaller than what they are or make mine seem bigger, but I DO things. I have bills to pay too, I have to oversee 40 acres of property, I have to care for my older brother and handle ALL ACCOUNTS AND DEBTS if my parents die, I am struggling with my career in art, I want to have fun too but have to do homework and study instead, I want to wear the clothes I want but have to spend the money on living expenses and art supplies. You don't think I wouldn't love to just go out to a rave and party? You don't think I wouldn't love to go out and buy games to play? Every time I put my pencil to paper, brush to canvas, I'm working, studying, and practicing. I have to forfeit fun to concentrate on my dream.
eehhhh I feel better now. Whoo~ I don't expect him to read this. I just needed to rant. Being pissed off feels -A LOT- better than being mopey.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Kahlil Gibran
Let not the waves of the sea separate us now, and the years you have spent in our midst become a memory.
you have walked among us a spirit, and your shadow has been a light upon our faces.
Much have we loved you. But speechless was our love, and with veils has it been veiled.
yet now it cries aloud unto you, and would stand revealed before you.
And ever has it been that love knows its own depth until the hour of separation.
. . .
Deep is your longing for the land of your memories and the dwelling place of your greater desires; and our love would not bind you nor our needs hold you.
. . .
In your aloneness you have watched with our days, and in your wakefulness you have listened to the weeping and the laughter of our sleep.
. . .
...Speak to us of Love. And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you, follow him,
thought his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
and when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred freast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in there heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
but if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
to know the pain of too much tenderness.
to be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
to wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
to return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.
. . .
...let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love on another, but make not a bond of lov:
Let it rather be a moving sea betwen the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give on another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
...And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillar of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and teh cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
. . .
...Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.
And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your eing, the more joy you can contain.
...is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say,"Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alones with you are your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced...
you have walked among us a spirit, and your shadow has been a light upon our faces.
Much have we loved you. But speechless was our love, and with veils has it been veiled.
yet now it cries aloud unto you, and would stand revealed before you.
And ever has it been that love knows its own depth until the hour of separation.
. . .
Deep is your longing for the land of your memories and the dwelling place of your greater desires; and our love would not bind you nor our needs hold you.
. . .
In your aloneness you have watched with our days, and in your wakefulness you have listened to the weeping and the laughter of our sleep.
. . .
...Speak to us of Love. And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you, follow him,
thought his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
and when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred freast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in there heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
but if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
to know the pain of too much tenderness.
to be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
to wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
to return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.
. . .
...let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love on another, but make not a bond of lov:
Let it rather be a moving sea betwen the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give on another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
...And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillar of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and teh cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
. . .
...Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.
And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your eing, the more joy you can contain.
...is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say,"Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alones with you are your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced...
Misunderstanding
The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
I'll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
But if you leave me and love another,
You'll regret it all some day:
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between.
But not you've left me and love another;
You have shattered all of my dreams:
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me
When I awake my poor heart pains.
So when you come back and make me happy
I'll forgive you dear, I'll take all the blame.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
I don't know... I'm staying off msn. I can't remember my other blog's name now and I just need to vent. The past 3 days have been good for me... I looked into getting my drum lessons, got my new look, scheduled- then Rescheduled- my tattoo, got my FREE piercing, hung out with my sister... so on and so forth.
Megs was unwell and couldn't see me so we hung out with Ashley. We did some fun stuff and went to anchorage. I was unable to go see the Hoons tonight because I got upset. I shouldn't have let it get to me... I don't know who this "Misa" person is. But whoever it is should probably butt the FUCK OUT.
I only went online today to talk to Danni and I see a little msg aimed at me... I left him alone for the past days so what happened? I called him today out of habit and didn't really notice what I did until he answered. I was wrong but why would that make him hate me more? I didn't say much, just hello. I thought about hanging up but that would be creepy stalkerish.
I'm staying off msn for real now. I'm just going to blog when I can and do homework. The internet always drove me a bit crazy. I just don't understand...
He's always been so much better than me... so much higher than me, brighter than me, he could show more love than I could... I don't understand... I told him before loving someone is difficult for me.. don't make me love you if you're going to be taken away. Next thing I knew I was comfortable hearing his voice, knowing he was on this planet, sitting quietly with him, happy when he was angry, when I got angry... I'm always angry at myself for not being able to do more. I love him I love him I love him I love him, I am always so ugly and disgust myself standing next to him.
What makes me think I deserve him... what makes me think he should have to be with someone like me? A person who cannot give, a person who is too scared to live, a person who is so stupid?
Earlier this month he told me I was his other half. He held me tight and I held him and we told each other we were each other's friends. He is my friend, my soulmate, my other half, He said I was his friend, his soulmate, and his other half too.
I'm being torn into pieces and getting repaired. My heart and mind won't let me think anything bad of him, won't let me ease the pain. I will never tell anyone I hate them ever again. but I hate myself.. how can I love him when I hate me? How can I love me if I make myself hate him?
My mind is just all over the place. I found really creepy drawings that I don't think I did. I don't remember doing them... I will drive and feel like I've woken up once I've arrived. How did I get here...
I can feel the other half doing things for me though. I know she's there making me eat and drink. Making sure I don't die.. What happened to my hair? Not that I don't like it... but...
My bruises are gone finally.
Well... Ashley and I are planning on snowboarding this break. I hope meghan will be able to come too! I'm so sad she couldn't come today.
Guess mine is not the first heart broken, my eyes are not the first tocry
I'm not the first to know, there's just no gettin' over you
Hello, I'm just a fool who's willing to sit around and wait for you
But baby can't you see, there's nothin' else for me to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you
But now there's nowhere to hide, since you pushed my love aside
I'm not in my head, hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you, hopelessly devoted to you
My head is saying "fool, forget him", my heart is saying "don't let go"
Hold on to the end, that's what I intend to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you
But now there's nowhere to hide, since you pushed my love aside
I'm not in my head, hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you, hopelessly devoted to you
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
I'll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
But if you leave me and love another,
You'll regret it all some day:
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between.
But not you've left me and love another;
You have shattered all of my dreams:
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me
When I awake my poor heart pains.
So when you come back and make me happy
I'll forgive you dear, I'll take all the blame.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
I don't know... I'm staying off msn. I can't remember my other blog's name now and I just need to vent. The past 3 days have been good for me... I looked into getting my drum lessons, got my new look, scheduled- then Rescheduled- my tattoo, got my FREE piercing, hung out with my sister... so on and so forth.
Megs was unwell and couldn't see me so we hung out with Ashley. We did some fun stuff and went to anchorage. I was unable to go see the Hoons tonight because I got upset. I shouldn't have let it get to me... I don't know who this "Misa" person is. But whoever it is should probably butt the FUCK OUT.
I only went online today to talk to Danni and I see a little msg aimed at me... I left him alone for the past days so what happened? I called him today out of habit and didn't really notice what I did until he answered. I was wrong but why would that make him hate me more? I didn't say much, just hello. I thought about hanging up but that would be creepy stalkerish.
I'm staying off msn for real now. I'm just going to blog when I can and do homework. The internet always drove me a bit crazy. I just don't understand...
He's always been so much better than me... so much higher than me, brighter than me, he could show more love than I could... I don't understand... I told him before loving someone is difficult for me.. don't make me love you if you're going to be taken away. Next thing I knew I was comfortable hearing his voice, knowing he was on this planet, sitting quietly with him, happy when he was angry, when I got angry... I'm always angry at myself for not being able to do more. I love him I love him I love him I love him, I am always so ugly and disgust myself standing next to him.
What makes me think I deserve him... what makes me think he should have to be with someone like me? A person who cannot give, a person who is too scared to live, a person who is so stupid?
Earlier this month he told me I was his other half. He held me tight and I held him and we told each other we were each other's friends. He is my friend, my soulmate, my other half, He said I was his friend, his soulmate, and his other half too.
I'm being torn into pieces and getting repaired. My heart and mind won't let me think anything bad of him, won't let me ease the pain. I will never tell anyone I hate them ever again. but I hate myself.. how can I love him when I hate me? How can I love me if I make myself hate him?
My mind is just all over the place. I found really creepy drawings that I don't think I did. I don't remember doing them... I will drive and feel like I've woken up once I've arrived. How did I get here...
I can feel the other half doing things for me though. I know she's there making me eat and drink. Making sure I don't die.. What happened to my hair? Not that I don't like it... but...
My bruises are gone finally.
Well... Ashley and I are planning on snowboarding this break. I hope meghan will be able to come too! I'm so sad she couldn't come today.
Guess mine is not the first heart broken, my eyes are not the first tocry
I'm not the first to know, there's just no gettin' over you
Hello, I'm just a fool who's willing to sit around and wait for you
But baby can't you see, there's nothin' else for me to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you
But now there's nowhere to hide, since you pushed my love aside
I'm not in my head, hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you, hopelessly devoted to you
My head is saying "fool, forget him", my heart is saying "don't let go"
Hold on to the end, that's what I intend to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you
But now there's nowhere to hide, since you pushed my love aside
I'm not in my head, hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you, hopelessly devoted to you
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Stop My Head
I've been doing fine since my sister came here. I only came online this one time today to blog something painful. I changed my blog account so go ahead and try to find me.
Since no one reads this I don't have to worry about it.
Today I am meeting with a group of friends who are worried about me. I've lost more than 10 pounds in the past week no matter how much I eat. I was going to go dancing tonight but my friend canceled on me... but I guess I'll still go with my sister. A girl in the cafeteria at college told me to try to go and relax a bit. Don't even know this girl...
Every night I can't stop the dreams. They start as soon as I shut my eyes. I wake up screaming because they should be good dreams but they rip my heart out. It's my own head, why can't I control it? I go to bed laughing and wake up crying. The pain refreshes itself on me and I have to fix it every morning so I can smile and laugh throughout the day.
Last night's dream was the worst. My friends were all there, my sisters, and my cousin... I got a call from the one I love and was chased up a tree by a large dog. I was terrified, the tree wasn't holding my weight. My friends made the dog go away and then He came... He sat with me and we talked. We talked for hours on hours and I was able to stay calm and smile at him. I told him I can handle myself, I love him no matter what, I'm very independent, and thanked him for being such a wonderful and beautiful person. He smiled at me and gave me a hug saying, "I'm so glad. I couldn't ask you to change because you had to do it yourself. Good job. I love you."
I pinched myself and felt his face all over asking him, "Is this real? I'm not dreaming?" I pinched so hard and I felt it. I was positive. I told him, "I can do this! I have friends, you showed me that, I can make my own decisions, you showed me that."
He smiled and said, "I have to go now. I will see you tomorrow." We hugged and parted ways. I felt so happy...
I woke up. It was talk I needed to have with him. I don't want to see him, I don't want to think of him, I just want to be able to be me again. Smile, Tanya. Don't be sad. Draw something, draw something... I'm changing myself. I want to change. If this person is what made him leave then I don't want to be her.
I'm still going to go out tonight. I need to get out and learn how to talk with people, to be myself around people and take off the mask. The night I jumped from my balcony I killed myself over and over until I died.
He can't ask me to change, but doesn't mean that I can't.
The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
I'll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
But if you leave me and love another,
You'll regret it all some day:
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between.
But not you've left me and love another;
You have shattered all of my dreams:
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me
When I awake my poor heart pains.
So when you come back and make me happy
I'll forgive you dear, I'll take all the blame.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
Since no one reads this I don't have to worry about it.
Today I am meeting with a group of friends who are worried about me. I've lost more than 10 pounds in the past week no matter how much I eat. I was going to go dancing tonight but my friend canceled on me... but I guess I'll still go with my sister. A girl in the cafeteria at college told me to try to go and relax a bit. Don't even know this girl...
Every night I can't stop the dreams. They start as soon as I shut my eyes. I wake up screaming because they should be good dreams but they rip my heart out. It's my own head, why can't I control it? I go to bed laughing and wake up crying. The pain refreshes itself on me and I have to fix it every morning so I can smile and laugh throughout the day.
Last night's dream was the worst. My friends were all there, my sisters, and my cousin... I got a call from the one I love and was chased up a tree by a large dog. I was terrified, the tree wasn't holding my weight. My friends made the dog go away and then He came... He sat with me and we talked. We talked for hours on hours and I was able to stay calm and smile at him. I told him I can handle myself, I love him no matter what, I'm very independent, and thanked him for being such a wonderful and beautiful person. He smiled at me and gave me a hug saying, "I'm so glad. I couldn't ask you to change because you had to do it yourself. Good job. I love you."
I pinched myself and felt his face all over asking him, "Is this real? I'm not dreaming?" I pinched so hard and I felt it. I was positive. I told him, "I can do this! I have friends, you showed me that, I can make my own decisions, you showed me that."
He smiled and said, "I have to go now. I will see you tomorrow." We hugged and parted ways. I felt so happy...
I woke up. It was talk I needed to have with him. I don't want to see him, I don't want to think of him, I just want to be able to be me again. Smile, Tanya. Don't be sad. Draw something, draw something... I'm changing myself. I want to change. If this person is what made him leave then I don't want to be her.
I'm still going to go out tonight. I need to get out and learn how to talk with people, to be myself around people and take off the mask. The night I jumped from my balcony I killed myself over and over until I died.
He can't ask me to change, but doesn't mean that I can't.
The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
I'll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
But if you leave me and love another,
You'll regret it all some day:
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between.
But not you've left me and love another;
You have shattered all of my dreams:
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me
When I awake my poor heart pains.
So when you come back and make me happy
I'll forgive you dear, I'll take all the blame.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
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