Stop My Head

I've been doing fine since my sister came here. I only came online this one time today to blog something painful. I changed my blog account so go ahead and try to find me.
Since no one reads this I don't have to worry about it.

Today I am meeting with a group of friends who are worried about me. I've lost more than 10 pounds in the past week no matter how much I eat. I was going to go dancing tonight but my friend canceled on me... but I guess I'll still go with my sister. A girl in the cafeteria at college told me to try to go and relax a bit. Don't even know this girl...

Every night I can't stop the dreams. They start as soon as I shut my eyes. I wake up screaming because they should be good dreams but they rip my heart out. It's my own head, why can't I control it? I go to bed laughing and wake up crying. The pain refreshes itself on me and I have to fix it every morning so I can smile and laugh throughout the day.

Last night's dream was the worst. My friends were all there, my sisters, and my cousin... I got a call from the one I love and was chased up a tree by a large dog. I was terrified, the tree wasn't holding my weight. My friends made the dog go away and then He came... He sat with me and we talked. We talked for hours on hours and I was able to stay calm and smile at him. I told him I can handle myself, I love him no matter what, I'm very independent, and thanked him for being such a wonderful and beautiful person. He smiled at me and gave me a hug saying, "I'm so glad. I couldn't ask you to change because you had to do it yourself. Good job. I love you."
I pinched myself and felt his face all over asking him, "Is this real? I'm not dreaming?" I pinched so hard and I felt it. I was positive. I told him, "I can do this! I have friends, you showed me that, I can make my own decisions, you showed me that."
He smiled and said, "I have to go now. I will see you tomorrow." We hugged and parted ways. I felt so happy...

I woke up. It was talk I needed to have with him. I don't want to see him, I don't want to think of him, I just want to be able to be me again. Smile, Tanya. Don't be sad. Draw something, draw something... I'm changing myself. I want to change. If this person is what made him leave then I don't want to be her.
I'm still going to go out tonight. I need to get out and learn how to talk with people, to be myself around people and take off the mask. The night I jumped from my balcony I killed myself over and over until I died.

He can't ask me to change, but doesn't mean that I can't.

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

I'll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
But if you leave me and love another,
You'll regret it all some day:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between.
But not you've left me and love another;
You have shattered all of my dreams:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me
When I awake my poor heart pains.
So when you come back and make me happy
I'll forgive you dear, I'll take all the blame.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away