Welcome to Tanyaland -RANT-

Wooooow! Such immaturity... after a Three year relationship I get dumped on msn and when I ask just to be seen face to face I have to fucking beg to get it. Let me take ALL THE FUCKING BLAME? You know, it takes TWO people to fuck things up. If you remember, I told you from the beginning of our relationship, "Do want you want. If you want something, you do it." You FUCKER. I never held you back. I never held a gun to your head, I never tied you down, I didn't force you to do anything. If you were bothered by something you should have gotten ANGRY like a NORMAL person. You should have know that I love you enough that anything you wanted to do, whether I disapproved or not, I would have forgiven you. I got upset, Yes, because when I made some plans with you, sometimes you'd FORGET and go with someone else.

Don't give me Shit about me hitting you, Not when you were the first to hit me. I knew it would crush you to know you ever hurt me that way. When you would hold me down and FORCE me to talk to you. HOW THE FUCK CAN I FIGHT YOU? You are stronger than me. You have left bruises on me from your desperate need for me to be happy all the time.
You KNEW I felt like SHIT for hitting you. I didn't eat for a week. I felt so sick to my stomach because I knew it hurt you and I KNEW I WAS FUCKING WRONG. That's why I apologized, got on my KNEES and begged you, I embarrassed myself, and lost all dignity.

I agree that after the conversation on msn I went off the wall... but after THREE FUCKING YEARS you should have had the decency to talk to my face. My pride as a woman is lost. I lost my baby and instead of being my FRIEND and comforting me, you pushed me aside and let me bleed for the past TWO WEEKS.

I acted out in a manner that was not right, but I don't deserve to feel like SHIT. I already was disgusted with myself for acting out like that and you let me sit there and get worse and worse until I fucking lost it.

I have always been better looking than you, I manage my stress better than you, I am smarter than you, I have a better personality than you, and I'm FUCKING BETTER THAN YOU.
I'm SO~RRY that you think I act like my mom. You know, I fucking don't. You want to know what she did to me? SHE AND DAD USED TO BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF ME. When I lost my baby I told her, she turned away from me and said it was nothing. She wouldn't hold me, wouldn't talk to me, she slapped my face, she LAUGHED at me. YOUR mom didn't believe me either, so don't go thinking your family is all that fucking perfect.

Neither one of us is right or wrong about any of this... but when you told me "That was a fight about nothing." You FUCKER. I. was. pregnant. When I told you about it, it wasn't like I was trying to get you back, I needed comfort from my friend. I thought you would be man enough to tell me my baby's death wasn't my fault. Instead, you let me sit there and bleed. I know, I shouldn't have come there, but you drove me too far, to the point where I went there without even WANTING to.

I now see I am too good for you. People have been asking to go out with me left and right. I even have a stalker! I'm going to change from the person you turned me into. You coddled me and gave me all I want, but that isn't what I, or you, needed. I told you that over and over. I love you still, but take a step back and look at YOUR actions too. I was wrong, but you were my first real relationship, my first real friend, you were more than a brother to me, more than any of my sisters, I love you more than anything, but that doesn't mean I don't have the right to get pissed.

I kept my language clean all these years because I live with two people who REALLY DO FIGHT ABOUT NOTHING. Two people who I have had to physically get in between and fight with them to pull them apart. You think I stay here because it's easy? I stay because it is hard. I love my fucking art more than anything in the world, and if in order to be able to do it I have to suffer emotionally, I am willing to put up with that. You were God's gift to me and I know that you think I treated you like crap, but if you opened your eyes a little you'll see I was trying to do all I could to return all the good things you did for me in any way I could.

I was against drinking because I have seen what it does. I have seen someone in a drunken rage before, have you? Have you ever had to watch your own dad pull your artwork down and smash your television? Come at you to hit you for smiling? Call you a "Fucking Bitch" to your face? no. I didn't think so.
I was against drugs because of I have seen what it does. My aunt used to be a wonderful person... Now she hears voices and tries to light our hair on fire. She calls me the devil and tries to slip me her medication.

You want to know why I cut my hair? I needed a change. I am amazed that you didn't see that when you saw me. I am changed but not changed. I am Tanya and people love me. You hurt me in the worst way you knew possible and I forgive you for that. I am sorry you feel hurt. I am very sorry, but you need to grow up. You think I live in a little dream world where I don't see reality past the end of my nose. I live don't I? I'm sorry that art isn't as "real" as computers but it is my world. I will suffer for my art and for my education.
Don't blame me for you failing your classes. Don't blame me for being late to work. Don't blame me for you not hanging out with friends more or "doing what you want" because you KNEW I already felt HORRIBLE about it for 2 years! You didn't have to always spend every moment with me. You could have let me trust you, instead you fueled my desires and tended to my every need. Love love love, you feel like you put in more love than I did, but if that's the way you feel then you are wrong.

Didn't I hold you when you were crying? I gave you and your family their space when your mom got cancer and supported you and was there for you. You wouldn't let me come over to see your mom who I also loved and wanted to support. I rubbed your back when it was sore, I talked to you when you needed me to and told you I love you when you asked me to. I think you probably understand now why it's so hard for me to tell people I love them when I'm angry. It's not that I ever stop loving you or that I'm ever angry AT you. I am furious with myself for being angry.
I know when I told you I hated you it hurt you so many times, but if you had noticed I stopped saying it. I said it ONCE recently as a joke to you, if you remember and we both laughed about it. In my household the word was thrown around like candy though. To tell someone I hate them is the same as you saying "piss". I was never taught that it was a bad word. I was more punished for telling people I loved them. I remember being really small and trying to take my Dad's hand and telling him "I love you Daddy," he shook me away and just grunted. I tell my mom all the time, "I love you Mommy," and she slaps me for kissing her. I go to my sisters for comfort and love and the both of them left. I stay for my younger brother and for my art. I thought about moving out but I will not abandon him. I know more pain from love than you could ever imagine and you were my shining star.

I know how to put on the mask of innocence, the mask of stress free life, the mask of perfectness, of stupidity. You asked me to pull off the mask and let me be me around you. I asked you to be you around me too. I will accept everything about you.

Now you've left me naked and dry. I was a bitch you found on the street who you fed and pampered. I tried to give you comfort and do what you wanted of me, but you threw me out for pissing on the carpet. We gave each other so much... I was finding my friends and my life again.

Unlike you, I will stay me. I will do what I want. Hell, I get free things because I'm so freaking awesome. Free haircut, free piercing, free drinks, free art supplies, free clothes. People tell me they love being around me, it makes them happy. I treat them the same way I treat you, so what's your problem? No one else is afraid to be themselves around me, even though I tell them my opinion and tell them what I like and don't like. Why were you so afraid to be yourself around me? Did you think I would leave you, meaning that you doubted that I truly love you? Did you think I would hate you? Were you so comfortable with everything that you didn't want things to change?

I know you are going through a lot of shit right now. Your mom, your family's businesses, your job, your school, your house, your bills, your roommates, you're young, you want to live, you want to experience life, but everyone goes through shit. I am not trying to make your problems smaller than what they are or make mine seem bigger, but I DO things. I have bills to pay too, I have to oversee 40 acres of property, I have to care for my older brother and handle ALL ACCOUNTS AND DEBTS if my parents die, I am struggling with my career in art, I want to have fun too but have to do homework and study instead, I want to wear the clothes I want but have to spend the money on living expenses and art supplies. You don't think I wouldn't love to just go out to a rave and party? You don't think I wouldn't love to go out and buy games to play? Every time I put my pencil to paper, brush to canvas, I'm working, studying, and practicing. I have to forfeit fun to concentrate on my dream.

eehhhh I feel better now. Whoo~ I don't expect him to read this. I just needed to rant. Being pissed off feels -A LOT- better than being mopey.